#3 NCERCC series re Ofsted guidance Registering a multi-building children’s home
A humorous but no less serious response to Ofsted guidance Registering a multi-building children’s home – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
Hi, my name is Zaphod Beeblebrox, and ‘we’ are applying to be a multi home Registered Manager.
With 2 heads we are supremely appropriate (Just make that supreme) to be a new style RM needed for multi homes. (You’ll see I talk a lot in brackets)
My other head is called Douglas Adams. Say Hello Douglas. He’s the brains of us. He’s quiet. He has all the ideas.
Sometimes with 2 heads we don’t know if we’re coming or going. But that’s no problem because with Douglas’s absolute infinite improbability drive we can be coming and going! At the same time!
Don’t forget the three hands, though we have our hands full we always have one free! Why only do two things at once when you can do three things at once?! But, as you will read, why stop there?! (I also talk a lot in exclamation marks).
We’ve overcome the impossible task; we’ve even overcome the impossible ask!
Yes, we can be coming and going at the same time. We can be anywhere anytime we need to be all at the same time!
We’ve heard of some of the difficulties RMs have with one home. Honestly, we don’t know what we’d do with only one home.
The answer as we see it is for all RMs to have 2 heads and to be able to be in several places all at once. In short, to clone us!
But that is too terrestrial (and we’d lose a market, and being ambitious we’d like the whole market, we can be all things to everyone).
We’re not terrestrial. We use the Infinite Improbability Drive, a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without “tedious mucking about in hyperspace.” As soon as the drive reaches infinite Improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe simultaneously. Our Heart of Gold homes (copyright) use the Infinite Improbability Drive to skip travelling through hyperspace by “using probability” to arrive at locations throughout the universe. It allows us to instantaneously move from any point in spacetime to any other point. It also means, technically, that literally anything can happen when it is activated
Multitasking? Not even in our vocabulary. (Well, clearly it is, but you know what I mean). It just doesn’t exist because we do the million things all at once. No priority. No action plan. We exist in real time. We meet all contextual demands in the present. We are infinitely and immediately reflective and reparative.
As there are 2 of us we are always doing leadership and management in a joined-up way.
If by some quirk we don’t do so well in an inspection, extremely improbable given Infinity Improbability Drive, we’ll just change temporal space time coordinates and the inspection is corrected before it even has happened. As you can see our work record is perfect. It can’t be otherwise. Really. (No. Really. That’s the reality).
We keep everyone and everywhere in our sight. All the children and all the staff.
We keep all our paperwork up to date and reviewed.
As we are never away from work we represent seamless continuity.
For our employer, we represent incredible VFM.
For commissioners, we represent incredible VFM.
For Ofsted, we are absolutely reliable. We never make mistakes.
In conclusion I would like to say how forward thinking it is of you (clearly it is not for us as we are always in the present time) to have this proposal.
We can advise you that this is the form of the future. And that the provider we work for will become the dominant (Indeed only) provider.
Home Aclone (the trading name of Accumulus Canorus) will become the preferred provider, the provider of choice (There is no choice as choosing Home Aclone is to choose all choices that can be made); the provider that always provides the right care for the right child in the right way at the right time. It can only be this way as our model of care is retrospectively informed by future experiences.
The future starts here (and there)
PS If there is anything in this application that you would prefer changed, please advise and it will already appear in the form you desire in your records.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was originally a 1978 radio comedy broadcast on BBC Radio 4, it was later adapted to other formats, including stage shows, novels, comic books, a 1981 TV series, a 1984 video game, and 2005 feature film.